


what tiger woods was to golf

by oh_la_fraise



Category: Schitt's Creek
Genre: Bonding, Fluff, Gen, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-25
Updated: 2019-04-25
Packaged: 2020-01-31 11:37:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,435
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18590494
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/oh_la_fraise/pseuds/oh_la_fraise
Summary: As the game goes on, Patrick grows more on edge waiting for the "if you hurt my son, I’ll ruin you" moment.  He has a vision of Mr. Rose separating them to look for an errant ball and threatening to slowly strangle Patrick to death with the hotel’s weird smelling carpet.  Judging by the increasingly desperate looks Ted keeps throwing, he feels the same.





	what tiger woods was to golf

**Author's Note:**

> Challenged myself to a quick write to flex my muscles. This whole show and fandom is so fluffy and I love it. 
> 
> Title is from the B99 quote: “You’re like the Tiger Woods of husbands! What Tiger Woods was to golf, not what Tiger Woods was to being a husband.”

“Goodbye forever,” David says, kissing Patrick’s cheek as he gets ready to leave that morning.

Patrick frowns.“He’s your dad, David.I couldn’t say no.”

“First of all,” David says, gesturing with the bowl of cereal in his hands and sending Captain Crunch flying, “You _very much_ could have said no. My Dad would have gotten over it. Second of all, between wedding prep and the store, we haven’t had much time to just be together lately, and on our first day off in forever, you’re going golfing.With my _Dad_.It’s basically a coin toss as to which one of us will call off the wedding first before the day’s over.”

“Okay, except you said two days ago that he still brings up when you were twelve and you refused to go to the Father-Daughter dance when Alexis had the flu.”Patrick stared in the mirror, wondering if the combination of khaki shorts and the white short sleeve polo made him look like a middle-aged car salesman.He puts on a visor, ignoring David’s look of horror. “And if our differing opinion on the Eagles haven’t broken us up yet, nothing will.Besides, it won’t be so bad; at least Ted will be there to keep me company.”

“ _Tequila Sunrise_ is _not_ a good song, especially when you play it twelve times in a row.And maybe it’s a good thing my Dad will be there to act as a chaperone when Ted shows off his muscles he got by _going to the gym.”_

“Yeah, Roses, totally great with grudges,” Patrick says, tilting his neck to let David apply the all-organic 100 SPF sunscreen David had bought. 

~

When Patrick pulls up to the course, Ted is already there, leaning against his car.He’s also wearing a polo, but it’s a sleek dark Under Armor number that shows off his tan biceps, tucked into well fitting black chinos.Dark aviators frame his artful stubble.Patrick’s first thought is an embarrassing _he looks more like a Daddy_ _than a Dad,_ followed by a possibly more embarrassing _I should have let David pick my outfit after all._ Then it’s _how did I not realize I was gay,_ followed by _David can never know any of this._

Ted grins and pulls Patrick in a one-armed bro hug.“Good to see you, man,” he says, grinning.“Thanks for _putt-_ ing up with me today.” 

Patrick grins back.“Yeah, it’ll be good to spend some quality time with Mr. Rose today.I’m sure he’s gonna do the whole ‘I’m their father; don’t you hurt them’ bit; maybe we can put his mind at ease.”Ted and Alexis had gotten engaged on their jaunt to the Galapagos, and this time it seemed to be sticking. _Don’t worry, though,_ Alexis had reassured an excited-but-annoyed David, _we’ll wait long enough for our wedding that everyone will have already forgotten about yours._

Ted nods.“Yeah, I kinda figured that’s what today was about.But hey!I’m a doctor; you’re a successful businessman.We’re both nice people who really love Alexis and David.We’ve got this made.”

Patrick feels pretty much the same.The only major snafu he’d had with the elder Roses was the whole Rachel fiasco, and he feels confident he’s earned his way back into their good graces since.Especially after the torment Mrs. Rose had put him through in running Cabaret; Patrick doesn’t know if there was any more penance he could possibly give.

Mr. Rose pulls up not too much later in the Rose’s signature Lincoln.He’s dressed more similarly to Patrick than to Ted, which makes Patrick feel better for a second before Patrick remembers that Mr. Rose is, like, the _epitome_ of salesman-Dad.He grins at them.“Hi, boys!Glad you could make it.”He gives Patrick an awkward back slap and tries to do the same with Ted, but before he can, Ted pulls him into a quick hug. _Son-in-law points,_ Ted mouths over Mr. Rose’s shoulder.

The first couple of holes are easy and relaxed.Unlike with the grill incident, Mr. Rose is clearly on familiar ground, offering Patrick and Ted well-meaning pointers as he goes.Patrick grew up in the burbs, which means that, even if he’s not as skilled as his future father-in-law, he still manages to play well enough to get by.Ted is . . .less adept, confessing he’d never played before, but he learns quickly, and his never-ending positive attitude means he doesn’t get upset when it’s clear he has not even the slightest hope of winning. 

But as the game goes on, Patrick grows more on edge waiting for the _if you hurt my son I’ll ruin you_ moment.He has a vision of Mr. Rose separating them to look for an errant ball and threatening to slowly strangle Patrick to death with the hotel’s weird smelling carpet.Judging by the increasingly desperate looks Ted keeps throwing, he feels the same.

“Are you boys not having fun?” Mr. Rose asks tentatively, obviously picking up on the tension. 

Ted and Patrick have an entire silent conversation, and it’s not the first time Patrick has wished he had the expressiveness of David’s eyebrows. _You do it,_ he urges Ted. _You’re the confident businessman,_ Ted screams back.

Ted wins by virtue of Patrick being too uncomfortable to let the awkward pause continue.A side-effect of dating Alexis, he supposes; Patrick is used to David rushing in at the first hint of silence.“We. . .ah, I’m sorry Mr. Rose.You just wanted to play golf today, but we thought you were bringing us somewhere remote to do the Father of the Bride speech.Or, uh, groom, I guess, in my case.”

“I love my family,” Johnny stresses quietly, as if he’s about to confess to a murder.“I wouldn’t trade them for the world.But Moira and the kids have very. . .specific interests.They love spa treatments and wine.Which is great!But it’s been a while since I’ve been able to hit the links without having to concoct some scheme for the motel.I never have anyone to drink a beer and play poker with anymore unless I’m getting fleeced by Bob and Ronnie.Do you know how long it’s been since I’ve been able to watch football with someone other than Roland?He’s a _Patriots_ fan.It’s miserable.”

“Aw, Mr. Rose,” Ted coos, and of course _now_ he decides to step in.“We’ll be your guy pals.”He throws his arms around Mr. Rose; Mr. Rose looks startled, but tentatively pats Ted on the back.“Get in here, Patrick!” Ted says.Patrick takes a hesitant step forward before Ted reaches out and smushes him to the other side of Mr. Rose.

“Thanks, boys,” Mr. Rose says, clearing his throat slightly when they disentangle.“I’m just glad that David and Alexis have both found someone who makes them happy, and as long as you do that, I don’t care what you like.I know I don’t need to do the whole threatening thing, because, let’s be honest, if anyone does that it should probably be your parents.David’s previous longest relationship was two months, and Alexis dumped Ted tw—“

“ _Okay,”_ Patrick says.“Why don’t we finish the rest of the course.”

“I have a confession to make,” Ted whispers at him as Mr. Rose heads back to the golf cart, “I hate beer and poker.”

~

Later that night, a heavily-sunburned Patrick slips inside the apartment to find David asleep on the couch, _You’ve Got Mail_ playing quietly in the background.There’s a plate of food on the counter; Patrick pulls it back to find something vaguely resembling pasta.David’s still really getting the hang of the kitchen, for the first time in his life having both the space and the desire to learn, but he seems to enjoy cooking, especially for Patrick.Most of it isn’t the best food Patrick’s ever had, but if David were to ask, Patrick would probably say something that would earn him an embarrassed eye roll from David, like _it tastes like it was made with love._

There’s a note that says _check the fridge!_ next to the plate, scrawled in David’s blocky handwriting.Patrick treads over the fridge and quietly opens it.

Inside is a bottle of aloe and a few carefully arranged glasses—the ingredients for a tequila sunrise, he realizes. 

He smiles, and shuts the fridge.He’ll see if he Jenna, the part time sales-associate they hired, can watch the store tomorrow.He needs to spend some time drinking wine and doing spa treatments with his fiancé. 

**Author's Note:**

> I'm on tumblr at ohlafraise--come talk to me about Patrick and Ted being secret Bridezillas. 
> 
> A very serious disclaimer: the author does not endorse David's opinion on Tequila Sunrise specifically, or the Eagles more generally. (F the patriots, though.)


End file.
